What's My Motivation?

Well, it doesn't look like I'll meet my February Exercise Goal by either thirty or sixty minutes. I got a bit lazy at the beginning of the month but I'm trying to not beat myself up over it. I figure whatever I do is better than doing nothing at all.

Why is it though that whenever I tell myself I am going to eat less or make better food choices I immediately then want to sabotage myself? I have never dieted before and I really don't know that I could, not in the way that the word "diet" implies. I love food. Maybe I'll eventually build up enough muscle to burn off more calories. Oooh, that way I could eat more! Or wait, does that defeat the purpose of diet and exercise? :S

OK, I am really frustrated though, my scale is moving in the wrong direction! I'd love to believe it is because I am truly building some muscle and "muscle weighs more than fat" so that's why I'm seeing my weight go up instead of down. But I am not very convinced that is the case. Darn exercise, it's making me want to eat more!

Ya know, there's this girl I knew who didn't have to worry about her weight, she was able to eat pretty much whatever she wanted and she never bothered to exercise, but her metabolism, or whatever it was, enabled her to be really thin without any work.

I am so jealous of her!

Here's her picture.

It's a terrible photo, she's got her eyes closed and she is wearing some pretty skanky short shorts.


Oh wait, that's ME! I was SKINNY when I was 18 years old! I stayed skinny until I got pregnant with Jonah. Then all of a sudden, my body packed on 50 pounds because I apparently ate everything in sight. I had absolutely no morning sickness (and may I note that I feel really bad for anyone who has experienced it!) and I really had nothing to do but eat. I was living in a new state, I didn't really know anyone very well, I had no job to go to and keep me busy, and instead spent my time being really bored since it's not hard to clean a 1 bedroom apartment.

Granted, I did lose a lot of the pregnancy weight after I had Jonah. It took me about a full year but I was finally down to a happy size for me. I never wanted to be that skinny again. I liked having some curves after spending my life in a boyish figure and I ended up 14 pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. I didn't really do anything to lose the weight either, it just sort of slowly happened. I was content with my body.

But then came Nathan and it was a whole different ballgame. I still gained a lot, 42 pounds or so, and then I only lost about 20. I've been carrying the extra around for three years now. Ugh. And obviously, I know it must not bother me that much if I haven't buckled down and lost the weight by now. When I was a teenager, I'd hear about moms who grumbled about their weight after having kids, and people would tell me that my metabolism would change and I might not always have it that easy, but I did not get it. I genuinely thought I'd always be thin and never have to work at it. Wow, was I naive!

One of my New Year's Resolutions for the year is -"Quit whining about my body and get into shape and actively do something to change it, OR come to terms with and accept my body how it is and get over it." So I am giving it some effort. I've been exercising somewhat regularly for two months, and while I have seen no real change, I am slowly building up endurance and strength. Hopefully I'll eventually see it on the scale and in my waistline. And if not, I hope I have the grace to accept it and stop complaining about it. I am not overweight, I know that, I'd just like to see that muffin top shrink and just generally feel better about my body.

I do not want to be that skinny teenager again. My motivation for losing weight may be that old dumb picture, (which I have been known to put on my fridge so I see it every time I open it, but I take it down any time someone is coming over, haha!) but the final goal is to be somewhere between where I am now and where I was then. I'd love to be where I was in between pregnancies but I might not ever be that small either, but that's okay. I am currently 38 pounds heavier than I was when I got married, and yeah, I have no need to be a size 2 or 4. I'd be grateful to be a 6 again! I dream of being 20 pounds lighter, but at this point, I'd be happy with 10!

I will never be one of those girls who lives on celery sticks and fanatically discusses the calorie content of every. single. thing. Those girls are no fun to be around at meal times! But I hope to make peace with my body, no matter my size, and be the best person I know how to be!

Whew, that was a lot of rambling about nothing!